One of My Fears

Back when I had Harrison 3 1/2 years ago, I decided that I would go back to work after my maternity leave ended.  I hadn’t really established solid career experience yet and I felt that it was important that I gain more so that if I ever did decide to stay home that I’d have a decent resume later.  It was something that I really struggled with the first year of Harrison’s life because there were just So Many challenges with that kid and everything was so stressful and we had a stupid dog that was just too much bat-shit-crazy.  I can’t even verbalize how hard that first year with him was, but we all made it through and it got easier.  Then Bennett came along and I thought about career vs. being at home again, and again decided that I should return to work but for other reasons.  This time it was because I wanted to keep my kids in their school – Harrison thrives at the school we have him in and he has really wonderful friends, and because of Harrison’s great experience I wanted Bennett to have that too.  I just couldn’t imagine myself being at home and trying to teach my kids stuff like colors and the alphabet and songs and stuff all day long while also trying to keep the house from falling down and my sanity.  Not to mention the financials of it – I still have college loans that I’m paying off.

As far as my career goes, I’m fully established at this point and in that respect I know that I made the right decision.  Both of the kids really enjoy going to school 4 days a week and they enjoy seeing Nana and Papa 1 day a week.  Nobody cries at drop-off and everyone is happy to come home at pick-up.  For the kids, it’s really a good balance.  It’s expensive as hell but that’s really just how it is for us – it’s a good school that couldn’t get any more convenient in location.

The other day, someone came over my house and this woman likes to talk.  A Lot.  We have an arrangement so she comes and cleans our house once a month.  Anyhow, in the first 5 minutes of her arrival she was living my biggest fears.  She stayed home after having twins 16 years ago, never worked at all, and now Needs to get a job for various reasons and she has no resume, no skills, no experience in any kind of work place and is in her late 40s.  There are so  many things working against her.  She’s going to lose her house, she’s in the middle of an ugly divorce, and really she lives in a weird alternate reality where she thinks she can just get like My Job.  Literally.  Her father knows someone who works high up at a competitor of ours and she’s just kind of talking to them about becoming my job description.  So I sat there and gave her a background of what she would need to do etc., and by the end of the conversation it was completely evident to me that this woman was in serious trouble and the worse part is that she really had no idea.  I suggested that she take some classes in Microsoft Office so she can at least get up to speed and be able to reference that in an interview or a resume, and she kind of shot that down – but she’s never used Excel before… I don’t even know, like I’m not sure what kind of skills she plans on presenting to have.  But really, that’s my fear that I’d be out of the work place for so long that I’d be too out of touch and out of skill to get back in.  I mean what if something happened and I didn’t have a resume or any skills or experience and I had to support my family somehow?  That’s scary.  Clearly, I could get an entry level job and try to work my way up but can that support a family?  I don’t think so.  OMG my anxiety throbs for this woman.

So anyhow, now I work full time and the kids are in the care of others from 8am-5pm during the work week.  I don’t really have that “mom guilt” that others seem to experience but like I said, we love their school, they love their teachers and their friends, so really everyone is happy at the end of the day.  I get to bring home a paycheck and I’m somehow still able to juggle laundry, grocery shopping, dry cleaning pickups, and the multiple doctor’s appointments that kids seem to need.  It’s a crazy life, but right now it’s the right one for me.  I’m probably lucky that I don’t have those pulsating regrets of not being there for my kids.  I mean, I’m there.  I’m there in the middle of the night when they need me, I do breakfast and dinner and bath time, and story time, and building houses, and finding monsters, and playing storm troopers, and applying eczema medicine, and changing peed on sheets, and keeping the house full of snacks and yogurt, so really I’m like THERE.  What’s not really there is my own life – I don’t see friends that often or get out of the house all that much or go on vacations, but I think I don’t care that much about that stuff either.

Truly, I know that everyone does what is best for them and their families.  I’m just glad that I made the choices that I did.

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I Have A Question

Harrison talks A LOT.  He’s also really bossy and really demanding.  After I pick him up for school he just stands around and makes demands: Mommy I want to watch tv, mommy I want juice, mommy I want a snack, mommy I want to watch storm troopers, etc. omg.  it’s not even an exaggeration, and I’m pretty sure he just likes to hear his own voice.

At bedtime, I sit in a chair near his bed and he goes to sleep.  There are reasons for this madness but let’s not even go there.  So tonight it’s 8:30pm and I’ve already let him play for a few minutes in his bed and shoot a storm trooper and whatever, and then the bunny light got turned off and it was time for SLEEP.  But no, that’s just when the questions begin.  He starts a never ending series of questions…

Harrison: Mommy, I have a question.  Where are we going tomorrow?

Me: Harrison, you’ve asked me that like a hundred times today… where do you think we’re going tomorrow?

Harrison: Oh, Preschool! Ok, I have another question.  Remember we went to a restaurant and you and me and daddy and Bennett were there and we went to the restaurant?

Me: Yes, now what is the question?

Harrison: What day is it?

Me: It’s Thursday, now go lay down and go to sleep!

Harrison: I have one more question.

Me: …What Is It?!

Harrison: The question is………….. um, what time is it?

Me: HARRISON IT IS 8:45 GO. TO. SLEEP!  (he doesn’t even know how to tell time or what 8:45 even means)

It did not end there, he kept on coming back.  It’s just so so painful.  It’s like someone is very slowly scratching my brain with a plastic spork.

Harrison’s new favorite show is Terrific Trucks on the Sprout channel.  It’s not bad actually – yet.  At the end of each show the trucks get washed down, so Harrison runs and gets a play mop and then tries to vigorously mop the TV so he can mop the trucks too.  Um 1. the TV is like going to fall on him and 2. he’s going to scratch or damage the TV or something and then we’ll all be sorry.  He’s so crazy.  He has Bennett mopping the couches too.  There is a lot of weird stuff going on around here…

Bennett is eating like 2-3 bananas a day.  He really loves bananas right now, and luckily he’s not constipated or anything.  He’s suddenly really really loud and very stubborn.  He used to be this really chill laid back dude and he’s really not that anymore.  He’s very vocal about everything and he gets Seriously Mad when he doesn’t get his way.  I wouldn’t let him bring his blanket into the tub last night – obviously right?, and he cried and screamed for the entire tub until I got him out and dried him off and placed the blanket back in his hands.  Tonight he yelled throughout dinner, he just sat there and ate and yelled just for fun.  I often find the boys fighting and really that means they’re both crying and screaming at each other and fighting over one specific toy – usually either the shopping cart or the mini Dyson vacuum.  I’m not about to go out an get 2 of those things either, but it often sounds like a pack of stray cats are fighting in the house for a few seconds each morning.  I’m usually making their lunches or breakfast and all I can do is run over there give the toy to Harrison and put something else random into Bennett’s hands and that seems to calm them down for a few.  I know that won’t work for much longer.

I’m aging people.  My body is falling apart.  These beautiful children of mine are running me ragged.  There should be some kind of brain study – a brain scan before kids and then 5 years after kids in order to compare the deterioration and function.  I have no idea what that would accomplish because my brain is already deeply affected.

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5 days of the 21 day fix

I’ve lost my mind. I started a diet and exercise plan.  Somewhere along the way I realized that my diet consisted of Nature Valley Biscuits with Almond Butter (essentially a dessert for breakfast), coffee with milk and sugar again (I had gone black a while ago for a long time), sporadic snacks throughout the day like cookies or goldfish, a bit of random dinner from my kids plates, and then ice cream for dessert with a cookie on top.  This is real and not an exaggeration sadly…

Day 1 of the 21 Day Fix

It is a pretty easy program to follow.  The first 30 minute workout was total body cardio and I almost passed out several times because I’m so out of shape.  The nutrition was good, I enjoyed eating more fresh foods and healthy things and noticed how much shitty food I normally consume.  I was hungry late morning and late afternoon and before bed.  I think that day 1 is always like a huge slap in the face though and probably more of a mental thing than anything else.  I would have killed for oreo cookie ice cream – obviously that is not part of the diet plan!  It’s a major shift in eating for me, but that’s really the whole point.  I think I’m a very emotional eater and I really do take a lot of joy in eating…

Also on Day 1, I had Harrison home with me in the morning before an Allergist appointment.  He was extremely well behaved all morning long, it was like a magical land of a super cute and super good child out in public at playing at home.  He was like my little boy sent from heaven.  Much Much later as I was telling Daddy about all the awesomeness that was his oldest son, the little angel had a marvelous breakdown that included hitting and punching and kicking a couch cushion.  I intervened with a “Harrison, we don’t act like that.” That truly set him off.

Harrison: “Momma, I don’t like that!  I don’t want to be your friend anymore, I will be Daddy’s friend and Bennett’s friend but not your friend.  I don’t like that.  I tell you this everyday.  I told you two times!  I won’t be your friend anymore.”  This basically went on and on for over 15 minutes where he’d walk over to me and keep talking and then walk away and then come back and then sit on the couch, all while telling me about his personal feelings about how he didn’t like that and didn’t want to be my friend.  I didn’t have the energy to enter that battle, so I mostly just ignored the never ending harassment.  Dude can really hold a grudge!

Day 2 of the 21 Day Fix

My butt and legs were so sore that I spent the whole day walking funny.  Each time I had to bend down, I’d groan and get a little stuck.  Today’s workout was upper body fix, so thankfully the focus was a totally different muscle group.  I also found a shake option that was pretty equal to Shakeology in nutrition but a fraction of the cost so today I had an afternoon shake and It Was Bliss.  OMG, the chocolate flavor was so good and it really curbed my hunger.  I am kind of looking forward to having another one of those tomorrow.  On the other hand – my brain is like super foggy today.  Like it’s functioning at 1/3 the normal efficiency which is a problem.  My portions were good today, I stayed within the parameters – except after dinner I had a cider and I skipped my last fruit portion… so like that’s kind of the same right?!  Whatever, it was comfortably close enough!

Day 3 of the 21 Day Fix

Ok this day was not so great.  I was able to squeeze in plans very last minute for lunch, which I never get to do, so I totally jumped at it.  I did Pretty well the rest of the day, didn’t work out though.

Day 4 of the 21 Day Fix

Started the day with the 10 minute abs and it was super burny.  I have pretty much no core muscles at all anymore after two kids so this was like absolute torture – extra torturey because I remember back when I HAD a true six pack and could easily do all this shit.  It was only 10 minutes but I was like – Ok that’s plenty of pain for today, let’s not over extend.  I spent the rest of the day running around like a total maniac for work and mostly stayed within the nutrition plan with a shake and some nuts and seeds while on the road.  I wasn’t good about spreading stuff out and I was hungry and tired and annoyed, but luckily I had Something with me instead of my usual Nature Valley bars or other crappy processed easy foods.  Also, confession: sometimes when I’m in the car I eat mints as a snack or meal… that’s so ridiculous.

Day 5 of the 21 Day Fix

Today was 30 minutes of cardio.  I was pleased that it was Not as hard as the Total Body Cardio from Monday, but it was still no walk in the park.  Later I had a handful of veggie booty because I totally forgot myself, but it’s cool not the biggest mistake ever.  I’m not feeling great today, kind of tired and sluggish and foggy.  Then again, there was a 3 year old in my bed last night and I only had 1 coffee – that is probably where I fell down, I needed at least 2 more coffees.  I also bought my big boy the coolest new sneakers ever.  He is refusing to take them off, like he’s wearing pajamas and sneakers around the house right at this moment.  Sidenote: Dick’s Sporting Goods has a “preschool sneakers” section!!  I had no idea.  I don’t get out much though.  And the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale began today, get it while the getting is good people!!

After 5 days, my thoughts about this program is that it’s easy to follow, the workouts are really good and besides the fact that it restructures your life it’s very good.  I would recommend it, it’s reasonable.

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He Must Have Had A Stroke

Me – “Harrison, when you came into my room last night… how come you wouldn’t let mommy take you back into your room?”

Harrison – “Because I like Daddy better.”


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All The Food

I’ve been truly disturbed over the amount of food that my 1 year old is suddenly consuming.  About two weeks ago he transitioned full time to sippy/straw cups and cow’s milk.  But just in the past few days he’s been eating nonstop, literally for an entire day he’s eating something when he’s at home.  I’ve also had to go into his room at bedtime to retrieve him because he was screaming bloody murder and apparently was hungry.  His second dinners are actually Bigger than his first dinners.  I’m completely and totally freaked out over this situation.  Harrison was never really like this… I mean he had moments where he ate more or less, but Bennett is eating more food than I am.  He needs a dump truck full of food daily.  He’s eating crumbs off the ground and stealing Harrison’s snacks and running over to the counter pointing at food while yelling and stomping his feet.  WTF?!


Second Breakfast this morning, 15 minutes after First Breakfast

And it’s like – how big is a child’s stomach?  The size of his fist right?  Well what if he has GIANT hands, does that mean his stomach is also giant or does that mean his hands are clearly bigger than they should be so his stomach is actually not that huge?  I don’t know.  He’s also still a bit particular over what he eats, so I can’t just like hand him chicken or a waffle – oh no.  He wants very specific crackers and hashbrowns and Greek yogurt.  It’s exhausting.  I’m going to the grocery store like every other day at this point between the two of the kids needing specific foods.  I never in a million years thought I would be this person who let’s kids dictate the food that goes into a dinner, but I am, I am totally that person because if they get hungry – they will in fact Not just eat the food they don’t want to eat, they will freak out and be in a Moooooood.  A day ruining mood.

So anyhow, I’ve found that I spend a serious chunk of my day either planning meals, buying food, feeding children, preparing meals, talking about food, reading ingredients, or cleaning up food… it’s completely and totally exhausting.  Abe was like, “you know with two boys they’re going to be eating us out of house and home… HOUSE AND HOME!!” so it’s begun, just much sooner than ever anticipated with Bennett.

We should probably start working on that garden now, and farm, and constructing a 24-hour restaurant.

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Life is So Loud Now

Our world has been crazy lately.  Here’s a small glimpse into our insanity:

Harrison (age 3 1/2): “Momma, can I have a TV in my bedroom?”
…sigh.  Me: “Harrison, when you get older and you get a job, you can buy a TV and put it in your room and pay for the cable that goes in there.”
Harrison: [major bummed out noise] “Fine…”

Harrison: [scratching forehead] “Mommmmm, my brain is itchy.”
Me: “Your brain is on the inside, and your forehead is on the outside.”
Harrison: “Ohh Ohhh Ok”

Just received a voicemail from the pediatrician that Bennett had a positive test for Egg allergy.  Two kids with food allergies.  What are the chances?… apparently it somewhere around 13%.

Just realized yesterday that Harrison can actually eat Most things at Chipotle of all places!  We’re going this weekend, I’m willing to risk all of us getting some kind of gastrointestinal experience in order for him to be able to eat something that I didn’t cook for him in a public place.  This is going to be So Exciting!!

Harrison tried to understand Death and what it means after his Grandmother recently passed.  I think he understands death, but he does Not understand coffins and why people are put into the ground and graveyards.  Those concepts are things that are exceptionally hard to explain to a child, especially a child without a religious household.

2-4 times per day, I find myself breaking up a fight between the two kids.  Usually they are both holding the opposite end of a toy and pulling it and refusing to let go while wildly screaming and crying all together.  Bennett is ridiculously strong.

Bennett has altered his bed time.  On his own, he insists on going to bed closer to 6:45.  Normally he was going to bed around 7:30pm which I thought was ideal.  What this means is he is now waking around 5am.  It’s pure torture!  Sometimes he’s willing to roll around and play with his little stuffed friends in his crib, but other times he stands up and very loudly bangs his hand against the bed until I come and get him.

The Mosquito Squad is coming in a few days.  Our yard is surrounded by trees and forest and a little wetlands, etc.  Hopefully we are able to control the bug situation and the kids can enjoy the yard more (and daddy who seems to be a mosquito magnet).

We’re working on phasing out the nap for Harrison.  That means he takes a little backpack to school (busy bag) and he’s encouraged to play quietly while some of his friends rest.  Really what this means is he gets a cool bag of cool stuff and he opens it for five minutes before falling asleep with everyone else.

Bennett is moving out of the Infant room and into the Young Toddler room in a couple weeks.  That means that he is also phasing out one of his naps, will go for 1 long afternoon nap instead of 2 shorter spread out naps, and he neeeeeeds to move from the bottle to the sippy cup but that’s not going well at the moment, and he will get to sit in young toddler chairs at a table instead of being put into like a table seat hole thing.  The only thing that seems to actually be going well with all his transitions is that he’s drinking bottles that are 50% formula / 50% whole milk, so that’s something I guess.

Abe and I had our 7 year anniversary the other day, which means that we’ve been together for 10 years.  That seems crazy.  We used to be young and cool and we’d do cool fun stuff, and now we’re old and gross and our kids get to do cool fun stuff!  We need a vacation.

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New Things

I’m trying all sorts of new things this week.

Yesterday I googled “how to use a drill”.  I’m not even kidding you.  Then I googled “how to put plastic anchors into wall”.  Again, not even kidding, but it may surprise you how many hits these basic Youtube videos had.  After learning this new skill, I successfully hung a small medicine cabinet on the wall which actually was a pretty major victory in my house – something actually hung on the wall and completed within an acceptable time frame. Now we have a small medicine cabinet in the bathroom downstairs allowing for a little more storage.  This photo pretty much scared the shit out of my husband.

IMG_1891 (1)

Last week, I planted some blueberry bushes with Harrison… or really I planted some small blueberry bushes and he swung a little shovel around and got in my way.  We want to have some bushes for the boys to pick fruit off of later on.  Then this week I went to the local nursery and bought several shrubs and planted them around the yard.  I dug holes, laid down plant food, threw in some good soil, and watered them.  I was sweating bullets and I was frustrated at the amount of big annoying rocks in the ground, but another project got accomplished.  It figures that while I was out there a million cars drove by my normally very quiet street.  I’m sure I looked like a crazy person sweating and digging and covered in dirt.  Clearly I had no idea what I was doing.  Now when Harrison sees these lush green bushes, he’s like “Mama, the plants grew!!!!  I’m so proud of you!”, I am pretty sure he thinks that they are the blueberry bushes we had planted before…

After all this manual labor, I really had an urge to take a bath.  I can’t even remember the last time I took one…and it was probably like a sitz bath after having Harrison or something 3 years ago just with the goal to heal my aching junk.  I got out the strong tub cleaner, and scrubbed down both of the tubs and replaced the shower liner to something squeaky clean and was like “tonight after Harrison goes to bed, I am going to take a bath with lavender epsom salts, it’s happening, i’m going to fucking relax!”  and then…. it didn’t happen.  The drain was missing the plug so I had to order something, but you know it was really close to happening.  I hate the idea that so much effort needs to go into doing something relaxing.  When I was buying these bath salts at the store all I could think about was how people were like using bath salts like drugs somehow (I like don’t even know how) and they were going crazy and doing really insane shit like running down the street naked and trying to eat other people.

Anyhow, I now own a bunch of bath salts and have clean tubs.  I’m pretty far from being relaxed but my accomplishments this week make me feel pretty good.  You can learn so much on Youtube!

Bennett’s favorite breakfast right now: Fage plain Greek yogurt with a squirt of Mama Chia and tiny cut up strawberries.  I can’t believe this is something he’s happy to eat.  Harrison would only eat things like hash browns.  They are so night and day, it surprises me all of the time.  Parenthood or life after kids is basically 99% surprises though right?

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Is It Saturday?

My kids are giving me brain damage.  99% of the week I have no idea what day it is, and 100% of the week I don’t know what the date is.

Here’s some random stuff from my week.

Bennett thinks it’s super funny to eat dinner like this in his high chair.  He’ll lay like that for like a minute and then come up and laugh and then lay down again.  Normal… I have totally normal kids.


This is Bennett enjoying a piece of his very first apple fritter.  Questionable feeding?  Yes.  Whatever world, I know what I am (and he really loved it).  Also, Harrison can’t eat ANYTHING fun with his allergies, so this whole experience of giving like actual real world food to a baby is so exciting and Fun.


I stopped at a drive thru for lunch after a meeting.  I was like using gps on my phone and driving and eating… and that’s probably all I have to say about this.  I call this piece “The Saddest Big Mac” also known as “Still Ate It”.


This tiny delicious treat is so good, it totally blew my mind.  I am like very neutral when it comes to ice cream, but this thing is just so cute and so tasty.  I’m pretty sure this is what I would look like if I were a dessert – a mini ice cream cone with rainbow sprinkles and a surprise filling, so complex yet super vanilla at the same time.  I’m telling you my palate is sophisticated these days.

mini cone

On Thursday, Harrison asked me, “Mama, what are alligators made of?”  I think that’s actually a good question considering how hard it was to answer clearly.

Bennett is getting his third tooth.  He’s not nearly as cranky as Harrison was when he was teething, but the drool, OMG.  I actually think that Bennett is able to cope better with the discomfort because he sucks his thumb and it’s like his security and comfort thing to do, Harrison never had anything like that.  Now he has his blanket, but it took like a solid 2 years before he even really started to develop that.

The daycare/school that my kids go to just let us know that there are new regulations for the infant room starting in August.  The state is no longer allowing the warming of bottles in any form except for running them under warm water, which is completely inefficient for everyone.  I’m so glad that Bennett will be out of the bottle stage by then, that’s absolutely ridiculous.

I went out for dinner last night with a friend, and it was probably only the second or third time that I’ve gone out to dinner without Abe since I had Bennett 11 1/2 months ago.  That’s like crazy right?  Well it was really good to get out and it was really good to eat a meal that I didn’t slap together in a hurry!    I think that Most of the meals this week were just like barely something you would call an actual meal, my poor family.

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A Brain Dump

This is going to be a total brain dump that took 2 weeks to throw together.  But that’s my life.  A dump… with a side of brain.

Is “Uh Oh” considered to be a First Word?  If so, then Bennett has reached that milestone (around 10 1/2 months).  I have no idea when Harrison’s first word was, but I know that it was “Hi”.  The best part is that Bennett will yell the first part “Uh” and then normally speak “Oh”.  He’s so cute and so loud.  Also, he can climb all the way up the stairs now on his own so we had to put up a gate.

Harrison is becoming an actual small human being.  Up until this point he’s just been like a baby/toddler, but now he’s like Real.  He tells stories, he makes decisions, he can take off his own shirt, he tells me about what he did at school and what his friends did, he asks me what I’m making for dinner, and he mimics parenting right back at us.  He frequently states to me, “Mommy, you are in charge.”  It’s sort of a question and sort of a statement, but I always say back , “Yes, Mommy is in charge – all of the time.”  When Bennett is somehow annoying him, I’ll hear him say things that I would normally say like, “Bennett you shouldn’t grab things out of my hands!  Bennett that is dangerous.  Bennett you need to share.”  He also has this cute new thing where he puts me to bed at night.  Like, I get him ready for bed and then he walks me to my room and I get in my bed and he’s like “Ok Mommy, your slippers are right here.  Where is your doggie?  I’m going to put the door like this ok?  I’m going to shut the gate now.  Goodnight.”  It’s adorable… and then he goes back to his room and Abe waits for him to fall asleep as he tumbles around in his bed for an hour.

Also Harrison had declared, “I want to be a stormtrooper when I grow up.”  It was so cute.  He was 100% serious.  I told him that he could be a stormtrooper if he wants to.

The other day I used a baby brush and brushed out Bennett’s hair after his bath, then he stole the brush from me and looked at it and started brushing his own hair.  I texted Abe like, “Bennett just brushed his own hair, he’s a genius baby!!”  – seriously.  I know.  Then over the next few days I started to notice a little trend.  Bennett rubs everything on his head!  He was rubbing a teething wafer food thing on his head at dinner and I was like, “Ok, he’s not a genius afterall…”  He’s just awesome.

Something else awesome is that Harrison uses The Force, and he does it Really well like his hand shakes around a little bit and he pretends to really own the power.


Totally unrelated to my kids…


3 new beauty buys that I’ve been really excited about: Glossier Boy Brow in Black, YSL Volupte Sheer Candy Glossy Balm Crystal Color in Luscious Cherry, Dr. Jart Premium Beauty Balm in Medium/Deep.  I’ve lost patience for anything that doesn’t work well, I’ll just return it or toss it immediately.  These products have really impressed me and I’m super critical about makeup.  The Boy Brow is really good for those who want very light brow filling, like for novice brow people like me.  The YSL balm is just beautiful, somewhat sheer to moderate opacity, nice taste and smell, and worth the high-end price.  I feel fancy when I wear it but it’s not too fancy for like the grocery store or Saturday swimming class.  The BB cream has great coverage and I like that it has SPF.  I could do longer reviews but that’s really it in a nutshell – try them, they’re awesome.

Abe bought the Amazon Echo a while ago and we set it up thinking that we’d give it a try for a week and see if we like it.  Completely unexpectedly, it turns out that I love it and use it every single day.  In the morning I ask it what the weather is, “Alexa, what is the weather” and she tells me.  Then I ask her to turn on NPR and she does.  It’s like magic.  In the evenings during dinner I ask her to play music from Spotify, and you can get really specific too – play kids music from Spotify, play Coldplay from Spotify, and all while I’m doing something else so I don’t need to fidget with other gadgets.  There is also a timer function to, like “Alexa set the timer for 10 minutes” and then a timer runs in the background and you can check in with her and ask how many minutes are left, etc.  Anyhow, I totally love it and thought I was going to totally hate it.

I’ve finally convinced myself to start working out again.  I don’t have time but even more than that I don’t have motivation.  I’m going to do it though, this week I’m going to try a barre class to feel the burn and I’m just going to schedule it into my day.  I really just need to start taking care of myself more and real activity will Probably help my anxiety levels.  I mean besides the fact that I have anxiety thinking about a workout that is 2 days away.  But really, this is happening.  Two babies = one unfortunate looking mid-section and insane anxiety levels.

I’m starting to think about Bennett and cow’s milk.  I don’t even know how to start that… Harrison was on special formula for like AGES, like well well past he turned 1 because of his allergies and now he drinks a rice/quinoa milk blend that is Not easy to find.  I’m going to have to google this but it’s kind of exciting, I mean it sounds so nice just to be like out in public anywhere and I could just grab milk for my little big boy at a restaurant or in a store or like at a bodega!  Basically ANYWHERE!  It sounds so amazing.  It’s the little things.

And lastly, Winter is Coming people… we’re Excited!!!

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Toddler ANGST

The other day Harrison declared to me, “I’m going to my room, FOREVER!!” in the most angst-y teenage way possible.  And that is what our life has become:  ANNNNNGST, robot voices, playing doggies, Star Wars, looking for monsters, Mr. Fox, Mr. Ducky, never sleeping, “checking emails”, and so many feelings.  Unfortunately this child did not actually go to his room on his own for even 5 minutes, it was just one of those empty threenager threats.

I don’t know what to do with this kid anymore when it comes to his night time insanity.  He won’t go to sleep on his own.  Once he is asleep, he’ll wake up hours later and come out of his room crying and freaking out for daddy.  Then daddy brings him back into his bedroom and stays there for the rest of the night.  Between 5-6 he wakes up again and comes back down the hallway crying that daddy is gone.  The way he cries and walks down the hallway is sort of like moderately high pitched sound like the beginning of a tea kettle.  I’m pretty sure it’s a sound that only my son can make, and it’s replicated every single night.  I think it’s giving me brain damage.  I’m going to remember this sound when he’s 25 and Abe and I are going to mimic it back to him at family dinners in front of his girlfriends.


This is how his friend Mr. Fox goes to bed.  That’s a night time diaper.


This child is like a bubbling kettle of emotions and I have No Idea how to handle that.  I just started listening to some parenting podcasts – which are incredibly good, especially compared to nothing at all.  I think I may have made some poor parenting book choices earlier on but these podcasts are way more modern and informative.  This is something right?  Maybe a small piece in the puzzle of surviving through toddlerhood…

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