It’s been about a month since we have been working on Harrison’s sleep…. very little has improved. He still cries every single night. We just hope and pray that he doesn’t wake up in the middle of the night. When he does, he cries for an hour or two sometimes. He’s very inconsistent though, some nights I’ve seen him wake up and not cry at all. Like, I’ll see him sit up and look around for a bit and then move his blankets all around and then lay back down and go to sleep. Is he actually asleep during these times? I don’t think so, he’s really not one to fully sit up while sleeping.
He’s learning that it’s an issue too, like he can talk about it now and he knows when I’m talking about it to other people with him there – he’s like a little embarrassed when I have to explain to his teachers in the morning if he had a really bad night and why he’ll be a cranky pants overly tired kid all day. He will stand there and look mortified. Sometimes he’ll say, “I cry in my bed because I miss daddy.” Or sometimes he’ll say, “I not crying! I’m a big boy!” but mostly he says a lot of nonsense and I can piece together that he is saying something about crying in bed.
Kids. They have aged me. I feel like I’ve aged 10 years in the past 2.5 years. Physically, I’m rough over here with a lot of little nagging issues. Mentally, I’m scatterbrained but I’ve probably taken multi-tasking to a new level. Emotionally, I’m a fucking mess. I want to kill everyone like every single day. I really am just angry a lot. Sure I could go see someone about this, but you know what they won’t fix? All of it, I am coming to the conclusion that this is not a problem that I have, this is just a shit storm and talking isn’t going to solve anything. Time is my most valuable commodity right now and I’m not going to waste it doing that crap when I am back logged with 4 loads of laundry, a full dishwasher, an empty pantry, a kitchen table with piles of crap on it, unwashed bottles, and at least 6 hours of work that is waiting to be done. When’s the last time I washed my sheets? Please. I’m lucky when I remember to pay the mortgage.
I’m trying to find joy in small things… I’ve listened to some really really interesting podcasts lately during my commute, and that is what I find enjoyable at the moment. I really enjoyed the WTF podcast interview with Fred Armisen and the one with Patrick Stewart. Both were super random downloads but proved to be especially insightful and deep. The guy who does the interviews is Beyond Annoying to me but once you get past his stupid bit at the beginning then you’re good to go. I’m also really enjoying This American Life, which I know that everyone loves and I’m just late to the party on that one.
Other small joys in life right now:
I was at a local University the other day, like one where smart people work, and I was checking employees in for a flu shot clinic. Like these people were All medical and dental professionals with big huge throbbing brains… and 50% of them could not work the door. At All!!! It was so funny at first since the door was glass and I could watch the whole thing unfold and then after a few hours it was like so unbearable. All these super geniuses could not figure out how to open a regular push/pull type door – why??!! I have no idea. Some things might be too simple.
Also things like this… two kids in Halloween costumes (for the most part) and displays of delicious cupcakes:
The kids had their first school photos this week: Bennett’s first school photo ever, and the first sibling photo ever. Harrison has had many school photos at this point. How did they come out? Pretty awful. I mean compared to the generally awesome photos they take around the house : )
Harrison refused to smile in any of the pictures and actually made a “don’t take my picture!” face in most of them. Bennett just looked very unlike himself somehow. It really made really terrible pictures all around this time. I just ordered a couple when normally I kind of go crazy and send them to everyone… not this time people, they are really bad. The upside of this situation is that we are having family photos taken on Sunday and they have a second chance to shine. Also they will be wearing fully 100% matching outfits so what is not to like about that?! I actually get excited about matching outfits. I’ll try to make them wearing matching outfits until they are 20. That can happen right?