Pregnancy hormones are all over this house. Our dog may or may not be nesting in our bed and treating her fun new toy like a live puppy, we’re actually not totally sure. I tend to feel a lot of anxiety pregnant or not, but right now I feel a lot of it. These hormones are weird. I thought they’d make me really emotional… but like the other day we watched Big Fish and I’d never seen it before and heard it was like the saddest movie in the history of movies and I wasn’t even close to shedding a tear. What was so sad about it? I mean not like Abe was crying or anything, we were both dry eyed and ready to change the channel when it was over. But other than that lack of tearing, I have been feeling rather anxious about life with a baby. I didn’t feel this way 3 months ago and now I’m suddenly overwhelmed with the whole idea of it. It’s like the acquiring of more baby stuff is making me feel more anxious instead of more prepared. It’s making me realize that this nest is not ready, nothing is ready.
I’ve been having an unusual amount of pregnancy discomfort today. I hesitate to say that I’ve been feeling contractions for most of the afternoon because I’m not sure what they are, but I feel pretty strongly that they are just Braxton Hicks contractions and it’s nothing to worry about. My abdomen will suddenly tighten up really hard like Rock effing hard, and then I can feel things happening inside somewhat uncomfortably. It stays for a few minutes and then it’s gone. They weren’t happening on regular intervals, it was really inconsistent timing wise. Most of the time it happened, I’d be walking around (the first time it happened I was walking around shopping in the mall, I did not stop shopping), and movement actually seemed to trigger it. We haven’t discussed this yet at the doctor’s office, but I’m sure we will at my appointment this Friday. I just don’t even know anymore. Stuff is happening, and it’s weird and I don’t understand any of it. Like I’ve read books, but it doesn’t matter. Reading something is not the same as going through them.
I know that most women are way more cheerful about pregnancy, so don’t be scared off if now you’re thinking it’s all doom and gloom because some people have like no pregnancy symptoms at all and live life normally until the baby is born. I actually feel a lot of guilt that I’m not a happy pregnant lady, because Abe is a very happy father to be. Not that he feels any more prepared than I do, but he’s still pretty darn excited about his mini-him. I thought that I’d feel a lot more excited after the first trimester morning sickness passed, but with me it’s really just been one symptom to the next with maybe only 3 weeks total of feeling really good. I think that I may be experiencing a little bit of depression for the past few weeks. Maybe Christmas will cheer me up, it is my favorite holiday after all.
[photo from August]