OK… there is like something wrong with me. I really haven’t been feeling like myself in a very long time. I want to say that I haven’t felt like myself in a year? That sounds like a ridiculously long time to have something feel “off”. I’ve tried to figure out what is going on, but it’s really hard. I seriously can’t figure it out, it feels like there is something biologically off as well as emotionally off. More on that another day I suppose… since I don’t know what my problem is.
I was feeling especially emotional today – and let me say that I am the least emotional person on the planet. I could fit the number of tears that I’ve shed in the past year into a thimble. I could probably fit the number of tears I’ve shed in my life into a mini soda can. Is it because I started taking the mini-pill this morning? I know it’s hormone free and all, but who knows. I actually stopped taking birth control pills entirely many years ago because they made me feel emotionally unstable and insane and also they made me sweat (wtf?). Or maybe it’s because my toddler set me over the edge before I had a chance to even think about making a coffee bright and early this morning. There was a literal screaming match in the kitchen… I just could not even handle it anymore. He got a serious timeout, and because he was being such a turd he wouldn’t put on underwear so he was sitting on the kitchen floor without underwear on and screaming at me and air hitting me in his time out. It was one of those memorable moments… which leads me to this idea.
I’m really really bad at keeping up with Bennett’s baby book. I was so/so about keeping up with Harrison’s, and there are photos and dates on when he achieved certain milestones and whatever so maybe I did a Pretty good job. I don’t really see them looking back at those things and even caring. I’m not sure that I’d even care to look at them mainly because I keep a photo blog and there are just other ways of looking back for me I guess. I’ve been tossing this idea around in my head for a while but didn’t think it would really work for me or my insane lifestyle, whatever though, it happened starting today. I wrote each of the boys a card today with the date and how old they are, and just kept it pretty short just mentioning how they are doing, something funny they did this week, what challenges they are facing in life right at this moment, and whatever. I’m going to try to do this as frequently as it makes sense, like when one of them does something amazing or especially funny and then I’ll just make sure to do 2 at once. I’m far from being a softie, but I hope that they read these someday and think of me (in a nice way, not like : MY MOTHER IS EFFING CRAZY kind of way).
Also today, I went to whole foods and 50% of my cart was pastries. Big beautiful decorated cupcakes, and fruit tarts, and stuff. Nursing is making really hungry and I can’t be bothered to prepare healthy stuff beyond like hard boiled eggs and my very mediocre dinner spreads. My coping mechanism is sugar right now and getting regular manicures… it could be a lot worse people. Sometimes you just need to do what you need to do and offer no apologies. Today has not been good. This week has not been good. Is it only Tuesday? I wonder when the next flight out of here is?