I’ve lost My Mind.

I started to have really bad anxiety.  Then something blew up at work and I felt like I was having an Actual heart attack for a week, like I went to a doctor.  Then Harrison got hand foot and mouth and I was home for 3 days with him and then over the weekend, and then Bennett got HFM and I was home for 3 days with him and he wasn’t sleeping.  And then I got HFM and Bennett was still sick and home with me while I tried to work.  Then Abe had to get one a plane to go visit his parents for Thanksgiving, which truly he needed to do.  It has been a really terrible 3 or so weeks.  I know that we will get through it, I can almost see the light… almost, it’s like a glimmer about 100 miles away.

Tonight, Harrison spent 95% of the evening in tears.  From 4:30pm – 8:45pm, he argued with me and screamed and cried and sobbed and screamed and cried and got mad at me and threw stuff.  I had to drag him up the stairs while holding Bennett in the other arm and dunk him into the tub where he sat and cried and then got mad at me when I shut off the water even though the tub was about to overflow.  He got mad because tape sticks together, because I put spinach on his plate, because I wouldn’t take his dinner plate away when he wanted me to, because he wanted to watch Blippi, because I turned the TV off but then got mad again when I turned it back on, because he couldn’t get his headphones on, because he peed himself, because I wasn’t holding the book right, because Bennett touched him, because he wanted to walk up the stairs first but then refused to walk, because I wouldn’t pour him a “big juice”, because he wanted to take his pants off before his tub but only decided that once he was actually in the water, because he didn’t want to go to bed, because he didn’t want me to stand somewhere, etc.  The list is actually much longer, but most of it just wouldn’t make sense.  It was the worst evening we’ve had in about 5-6 weeks.  I don’t even know.

I can’t wait to eat like 5 pieces of pie tomorrow.  Sure, I have sores all over my tongue but I will just pretend I don’t and go wild on the desserts.

Holiday shopping has begun!  I bought tiny chairs today at Pottery Barn Kids, and 1 Christmas gift.  What should I be buying for myself?  Where are the good / fun deals?  I don’t even know what I want or need, but I’m sure that I’m missing out on something amazing.  I wish I could buy sanity.  I’m sure there is a pill, essential oil, or whatever for that.

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Small Joys

It’s been about a month since we have been working on Harrison’s sleep…. very little has improved.  He still cries every single night.  We just hope and pray that he doesn’t wake up in the middle of the night.  When he does, he cries for an hour or two sometimes.  He’s very inconsistent though, some nights I’ve seen him wake up and not cry at all.  Like, I’ll see him sit up and look around for a bit and then move his blankets all around and then lay back down and go to sleep.  Is he actually asleep during these times?  I don’t think so, he’s really not one to fully sit up while sleeping.

He’s learning that it’s an issue too, like he can talk about it now and he knows when I’m talking about it to other people with him there – he’s like a little embarrassed when I have to explain to his teachers in the morning if he had a really bad night and why he’ll be a cranky pants overly tired kid all day.  He will stand there and look mortified.  Sometimes he’ll say, “I cry in my bed because I miss daddy.”  Or sometimes he’ll say, “I not crying! I’m a big boy!”  but mostly he says a lot of nonsense and I can piece together that he is saying something about crying in bed.

Kids.  They have aged me.  I feel like I’ve aged 10 years in the past 2.5 years.  Physically, I’m rough over here with a lot of little nagging issues.  Mentally, I’m scatterbrained but I’ve probably taken multi-tasking to a new level.  Emotionally, I’m a fucking mess.  I want to kill everyone like every single day.  I really am just angry a lot.  Sure I could go see someone about this, but you know what they won’t fix?  All of it, I am coming to the conclusion that this is not a problem that I have, this is just a shit storm and talking isn’t going to solve anything.  Time is my most valuable commodity right now and I’m not going to waste it doing that crap when I am back logged with 4 loads of laundry, a full dishwasher, an empty pantry, a kitchen table with piles of crap on it, unwashed bottles, and at least 6 hours of work that is waiting to be done.  When’s the last time I washed my sheets?  Please.  I’m lucky when I remember to pay the mortgage.

I’m trying to find joy in small things… I’ve listened to some really really interesting podcasts lately during my commute, and that is what I find enjoyable at the moment.  I really enjoyed the WTF podcast interview with Fred Armisen and the one with Patrick Stewart.  Both were super random downloads but proved to be especially insightful and deep.  The guy who does the interviews is Beyond Annoying to me but once you get past his stupid bit at the beginning then you’re good to go.  I’m also really enjoying This American Life, which I know that everyone loves and I’m just late to the party on that one.

Other small joys in life right now:

I was at a local University the other day, like one where smart people work, and I was checking employees in for a flu shot clinic.  Like these people were All medical and dental professionals with big huge throbbing brains… and 50% of them could not work the door.  At All!!!  It was so funny at first since the door was glass and I could watch the whole thing unfold and then after a few hours it was like so unbearable.  All these super geniuses could not figure out how to open a regular push/pull type door – why??!!  I have no idea.  Some things might be too simple.

Also things like this… two kids in Halloween costumes (for the most part) and displays of delicious cupcakes:

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The kids had their first school photos this week: Bennett’s first school photo ever, and the first sibling photo ever.  Harrison has had many school photos at this point.  How did they come out?  Pretty awful.  I mean compared to the generally awesome photos they take around the house : )

Screen Shot 2015-10-29 at 10.19.34 PMHarrison refused to smile in any of the pictures and actually made a “don’t take my picture!” face in most of them.  Bennett just looked very unlike himself somehow.  It really made really terrible pictures all around this time.  I just ordered a couple when normally I kind of go crazy and send them to everyone… not this time people, they are really bad.  The upside of this situation is that we are having family photos taken on Sunday and they have a second chance to shine.  Also they will be wearing fully 100% matching outfits so what is not to like about that?!  I actually get excited about matching outfits.  I’ll try to make them wearing matching outfits until they are 20.  That can happen right?

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Surviving the Insanity

Harrison is 2 years and 9 months now.  This has to be the worst age right?  I think that I asked this back at 2 years and 7 months, and unfortunately he has Not gotten any better.  Last night, he was on his worst behavior.  He kept trying to boss me around and he was yelling at me and screaming and telling me not to do things, etc. while full force whining and in borderline tears.  Finally I issued a time out with a timer and everything, and he just screamed in my face and his arms and legs flew out everywhere in one giant spasm.  So I took TV away.  He really never recovered from that whole ordeal.

Later in the night, I had to put Bennett to bed while Harrison was around.  Harrison was actually well behaved for this, he sat around in Bennett’s dimly lit room as I nursed him and got him into his crib and he rolled over and went right to sleep.  I was like: wow, Harrison is doing so great now, this is fantastic.  I mean it’s been almost two weeks of our sleep training, and the prior night he barely cried at all…  then I put Harrison to bed and he screamed as loud as he was physically able for 40 minutes.  Shrieking, screaming, hyperventilating, a demon might have taken over his body for a while there.  I don’t know.  It made me want to jump out the window.  I thought to myself: panic attack now or panic attack later??  I went with later because I was just too hungry and tired.  I almost ordered a pizza instead.  I either eat my feelings or buy stuff to moderately impact the deep pain of living with a strong headed toddler who only gets stronger headed by the day.  I made a good decision by not buying Oreos this week that’s for sure.

I’m just so tired of this.  How do I teach my kid good behavior / good manners?  Or is this something where I just need to survive this age and then it will be easier to work on other stuff?  Maybe now is the time and I’m missing the boat, but I don’t know.  Parenting is not where I shine.

My first Christmas presents from Santa arrived this week in the mail from Zulily.  Am I insane?  Yeah.  Are the presents awesome?  Harrison is going to lose his mind when gets to build stuff like a big boy.  I’m making a conscious decision not to go overboard during the holidays with presents for the kids.  They are spoiled all year long, I don’t think they need to be super spoiled at Christmas too.  There are so many toys in this house, I am not sure that any of us even know how many.  And seriously, if Christmas is for good little boys and girls, then Harrison would have coal the size of a rocket ship in his stocking this year!  I am thinking I’ll get them each a few smallish things and then maybe 1 bigger thing to share.  Maybe a wagon (but then we’d have to pull them, ugh aching backs), but we’ll see, I’m not really sure.  I know Bennett is just a baby, but they already play together all the time it’s so funny so I associate them as play mates even at this age.  I wonder if they make a kids version of a vintage motorcycle with a side car attached?

Would the side car need a car seat?  Bennett is 2 inches away from outgrowing his infant car seat already at 5 months.  Harrison used his up until he was 11 1/2 months old.  Like, I used the car seat bar on the stroller until he was 11 1/2 months old, he was Always in that car seat and he LOVED being in it.  Bennett has become almost impossible to lift in and out of the car but surprisingly his weight still falls within the infant seat parameters.  I think this means Harrison is going to get a bigger boy car seat and Bennett can use Harrison’s current seat.  At least I don’t have a double stroller!  We don’t go anywhere where we would need one of those things.  Like my friend at work just bought a new car because her dualie stroller wouldn’t fit in her Lexus (rich people problems all around).  Luckily, I only use one single stroller because my crappy CRV can barely fit my family inside let alone something like a double stroller.  The car is actually packed to the gills when I bring them both to daycare, the front seat is loaded up with 5 bags and the back seat is full of kids and car seats and the trunck has the stroller and the little thing that Harrison can stand on.  It’s like driving a clown car.

Also, just woke up with pinkeye again or is it allergies?  If pinkeye it would be the  second time in 3 weeks.  It’s super super itchy and red – luckily, I have not used eye make up in 3 weeks.  That’s a small win not having to throw any away this time!  Or is it allergies and I’m over reacting?  I used the prescription eye drops just in case… and I am working from home just in case too – because you know.

Today’s fun task – finding coordinating outfits for both H and B’s school photos on Monday!

Today’s less fun task – putting together a dinner that doesn’t make me want to die of boredom.

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Babies Grow So Fast!

The sleep situation is getting better around here.  It’s been over a week and although Harrison is still crying at night, it’s improving.  Bennett is doing pretty great too, he’s Almost sleeping through the night.  Sometimes he wakes very early in the night, at like 9:30 or something and he’s stuck on his back and pissed about it and he cannot figure out how to get onto his stomach.  I’ll eventually go in there and just give him a nudge and he goes back to sleep.  His naps are almost all in his crib too, which is a huge contrast to what Harrison was like at this age, so to me he is a dream sleeper.

Today, I saw it.  Snow coming down from the sky.  October 18th – first snow of the year.  Good thing Mr. Bennett is prepared.


We haven’t done too much lately on weekends.  It’s a pain to have to get everyone out the door with all their stuff and snacks and bottles and then back for naps etc.  I had a new babysitter come by yesterday though and get a lay of the land.  Our other babysitter is more for Harrison… and we haven’t heard from her in a while since she started nannying recently (super huge sad face).  She’s one of Bennett’s teachers at school.  I just had her come over for a couple hours and Bennett basically slept on top of her for the entire time.  It was still good though, I mean I got a bunch of stuff done when I normally wouldn’t be able to.

I think we are getting a little cabin fever though.  It’s really cold out this weekend so we’ve been relying on tv and random activities like science and pumpkin decorating.  Things are getting weird.

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Bennett had his first rice cereal today at Just under 5 months.  His teachers suggested that we might want to try it since he’s so big and most days he doesn’t finish his bottles there (I don’t know why, all he does is pound bottles at home).  He was pretty suspicious of the whole situation.  He didn’t enjoy the spoon in his mouth and he pushed most of the cereal back out, but I’m sure he’ll get into it with time.  You’d think that a big huge baby would be really into food of any kind… but I guess that wouldn’t be true.

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Also today, Bennett joined us at the dinner table in a high chair!  That high chair is totally on Craigslist right now, but I don’t think anyone wants it (sad face).  My little baby is getting to be such a big boy.  Rice cereal, high chairs, sleep training, teethers, OMG.  He’s practically a walking/talking toddler.  I think he’s like a month away from growing out of his sink bath tub too.  I have no idea how I will bath both boys at night… it seems totally impossible.  Maybe do Bennett super fast, get him dressed and put him in a seat, then throw Harrison in there and tell him he has 5 minutes before it’s time to get out?  Who knows.  Bath time might take the entire evening.  There is truly an adventure around every corner these days… I’ve been eating a lot of chocolate so I can mentally cope.  I also bought a Fitbit so I can counter the chocolate consumption or pretend to.

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Unbalanced and Hungry

OK… there is like something wrong with me.  I really haven’t been feeling like myself in a very long time.  I want to say that I haven’t felt like myself in a year? That sounds like a ridiculously long time to have something feel “off”.  I’ve tried to figure out what is going on, but it’s really hard.  I seriously can’t figure it out, it feels like there is something biologically off as well as emotionally off.  More on that another day I suppose… since I don’t know what my problem is.

I was feeling especially emotional today – and let me say that I am the least emotional person on the planet.  I could fit the number of tears that I’ve shed in the past year into a thimble.  I could probably fit the number of tears I’ve shed in my life into a mini soda can.  Is it because I started taking the mini-pill this morning?  I know it’s hormone free and all, but who knows.  I actually stopped taking birth control pills entirely many years ago because they made me feel emotionally unstable and insane and also they made me sweat (wtf?).  Or maybe it’s because my toddler set me over the edge before I had a chance to even think about making a coffee bright and early this morning.  There was a literal screaming match in the kitchen… I just could not even handle it anymore.  He got a serious timeout, and because he was being such a turd he wouldn’t put on underwear so he was sitting on the kitchen floor without underwear on and screaming at me and air hitting me in his time out.  It was one of those memorable moments… which leads me to this idea.

I’m really really bad at keeping up with Bennett’s baby book.  I was so/so about keeping up with Harrison’s, and there are photos and dates on when he achieved certain milestones and whatever so maybe I did a Pretty good job.  I don’t really see them looking back at those things and even caring.  I’m not sure that I’d even care to look at them mainly because I keep a photo blog and there are just other ways of looking back for me I guess.  I’ve been tossing this idea around in my head for a while but didn’t think it would really work for me or my insane lifestyle, whatever though, it happened starting today.  I wrote each of the boys a card today with the date and how old they are, and just kept it pretty short just mentioning how they are doing, something funny they did this week, what challenges they are facing in life right at this moment, and whatever.  I’m going to try to do this as frequently as it makes sense, like when one of them does something amazing or especially funny and then I’ll just make sure to do 2 at once.  I’m far from being a softie, but I hope that they read these someday and think of me (in a nice way, not like : MY MOTHER IS EFFING CRAZY kind of way).

Also today, I went to whole foods and 50% of my cart was pastries.  Big beautiful decorated cupcakes, and fruit tarts, and stuff.  Nursing is making really hungry and I can’t be bothered to prepare healthy stuff beyond like hard boiled eggs and my very mediocre dinner spreads.  My coping mechanism is sugar right now and getting regular manicures… it could be a lot worse people.  Sometimes you just need to do what you need to do and offer no apologies.  Today has not been good.  This week has not been good.  Is it only Tuesday?  I wonder when the next flight out of here is?

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I See The Light

Friday at daycare pickup, Bennett’s teachers mentioned that I may want to consider sleep training for him at this age.  Since he just came out of his swaddle and wasn’t sleeping well anyhow, and hadn’t slept well all week long, I figured why not?  It couldn’t possibley get any worse.  Life was meant to be pain.  — that would be an example of the many thoughts I had on Friday.

So Friday night, I tucked in and prepared myself for a long night of crying crying crying.  I was just going to sleep on his floor.  But then there was a work thing that Abe had to do right at Harrison’s bed time so then I had two kids to deal with and one of them was screaming his face off (Harrison).  So then I just sat in Harrison’s room to keep him calm and Bennett nursed… and fell asleep.  I was like: shoot.  Later, I woke him up and got him in his sleep sack and burped him and then put him in his crib and then I stared at him… he rolled over, fussed for like 3 minutes, found his hand to chew on and went to sleep… on his own.  Then he slept until like 3 and woke up, nursed, and then went back down on his own… I was like: WTF is this?  WTF mind games is this kid playing?!  So then last night, I tucked in and got ready for a horrible night.  I put him down awake, and he rolled right over onto his stomach and fussed for like 5 minutes and then went to sleep… OMG.  He woke up a couple other times but after crying for just a few minutes was able to put himself back to sleep.  AND THEN today, I put him down this afternoon for a nap when he was really tired, and he did it again – he rolled over and went to sleep on his own… this kid is like totally fucking with me right?

Maybe for the past week or two, he was sleeping really poorly because he just wanted to sleep on his stomach.  He’s a stomach sleeper.

We sleep trained Harrison (super poorly and ineffectively) sometime around 6 months and I want to say that it’s his stubborn personality that makes his sleeping a disaster, but the longer you wait to sleep train the  harder it is.  So maybe I just got lucky with the timing and he was just ready to go to sleep on his own now that he can find his hand to suck on, roll over and push up.

IMG_3425One kid’s disaster sleeping is mostly solved… now for the other one, the much harder nut to crack.  I’m going to call the pediatrician tomorrow and ask for a recommendation for a sleep specialist around here or a behavioral person of some sort.  It really has gotten so bad that we just don’t know what to do anymore.  Each night is a little different, but it’s the same – he resists going to sleep and screams his head off to varying degrees.  The only way he will go to sleep is if one of us goes in and sits in his room.  Sometimes he wakes up multiple times in the night screaming for us where we need to intervene, sometimes he can makes it through the night without losing his shit.  Every night is bad enough that we could never get a babysitter to handle this at bedtime.  We need to do something.

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My Brain Isn’t Working

My beautiful little baby… or big baby I should say.  What a big fat cute nugget.  He’s really killing me at night right now though, even if he’s still adorable while doing it.  I look absolutely haggard.  I can’t remember when I showered last, I can’t remember when I slept for more than 1.5 hours at a time last, I am not sure what day is it… I’m eating cake for lunch.  I didn’t even cut the cake, I just took a plate of cake to my desk and ate it like a freaking bohemian!

He is 4 months.  According to The Wonder Weeks, he is in a dark place.  You can see his little head near Oct 3rd in the chart.

IMG_3317This lovely app. is telling me that he is going to be in a dark place for 2  more weeks before things get sunny again.  This stupid App.  I haven’t been following it closely until now and it’s right and that’s annoying because it doens’t give you tips on how to make it clear up faster or anything.

Also new this week: Bennett has pushed up during tummy time.

IMG_3276He struggled so much when he tried to do it before.  So that happened and he can only do it for like 1 minute before falling back down, but he’s getting there.  Then this morning he rolled over while swaddled onto his face in his crib.  Luckily, I saw it all on my monitor and got to him within a minute.  He didn’t seem to care though.  His head was raised up when I got to him and he was just quiet and content I guess.  So the swaddling needs to stop like today, and I am so mother effing tired that I am not sure if I will be able to handle it.  I mean he’s not sleeping anyhow, he’s up every 1.5 hours as it is, so I guess it won’t be a huge difference.  Tonight, I plan on camping out on his floor.  My effing back is so so so so sore and hurting anyhow that what’s one more discomfort?

When he came downstairs this morning, he then spent the next 30 minutes laying on the floor rolling over on to his tummy and then rolling back onto his back.  He’s pretty proud of his new found skills I think.

Life is so nuts right now.  Harrison and Bennett are both battling sleep issues, so the whole house is crazy at night.  I’m up to my eyeballs with work.  I was hoping to take a lunchtime nap, but then things got out of hand and then I forgot to pump and ate cake at my desk for lunch, and now I have a million other things to do including making dinner for the family.  And you know once I serve dinner, someone is going to have a problem with it.  Clearly today is another “no shower” day.  The person who invented dry shampoo must have been a mom on the run or someone who didn’t like to be clean.

Anyhow, we are in survival mode this week – or at least I am in survival mode this week.  I just got up like 5 times to get something and every single time I forgot what I had gotten up for.  Answer: an icy hot patch for my back.

Number of time-outs given: 3 to Harrison.  Number of items taken away: 2.  Everyone is in FINE form this week, omg.  Chill everyone, just chill.

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Toddler Puking and Parent Failing

Night three of toddler puking at bedtime.  Night Three people.  He gets so upset that within 5 minutes of one of us leaving the room he gets so mad that he throws up all over the place and we have to go in and change his bedding.  Is it that he gets so upset or is it that he just makes himself puke for the attention?  I’m actually not 100% sure.  I mean it happens so quickly so I feel that he makes himself do it.  He now owns 2 sets of comforters.  WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM?!  This can’t be normal. He has 4 stuffed animals in bed with him, he happens to love his bedding set covered in trucks and excavators, he enjoys his bedroom.  He’s not lacking for comfort and happiness in there.

We really don’t know what to do.  I mean, we can’t just leave him there with puke all over the place.  I know that he has major separation anxiety at bedtime.  And those are really the only two things about the situation that I’m positive about.  I tried bribing him with a lollipop to see if he could go all night without crying, that didn’t work.  He even woke up one morning crying about the lollipop that he wasn’t going to get.  I got him the cloud b glowing turtle to take to bed with him, which he super loves, but also doesn’t stop the madness in the least bit.  It’s really bad, and seriously like 4 weeks ago he was so so so so so good at sleeping in his big boy bed!!  Like he was suddenly a great sleeper, he’d go right down and sometimes sleep till almost 8.  Now he freaks out at bedtime when we try to leave the room, and then he wakes up and freaks out until one of us goes in there.  We’re talking like nuclear meltdowns, and he gets out of bed and tries to get out of his room and everything.

We’ve never claimed to be good parents.  In fact, we’re pretty mediocre at this whole parenting thing.  We disagree on how to handle his night waking in general, but now this makes things a bit more complex.  I mean, at such a young age it’s so crazy that he already knows how to manipulate us so much.  That’s really the scary part.  What does this even mean for our future?  Is he going to be running a drug ring out of our basement without us even knowing by the age of 12?  He will say he’s running a t-shirt business as his cover.  These are my real concerns.  Another concern = he will be living in my basement past the acceptable age of 21.

Parenting is hard.  I’ve found that my nature is to be really easy going BUT when it comes to certain kids that’s really not the best way.   I’m really learning that that hard way. Harrison needs more direction, he needs firmer boundaries and sometimes that’s really hard for us.  I’m now the mom that yells at her son to make him listen.  You know what?  Nothing that I have done with Harrison has worked as effectively.  Does that make me a terrible mother?  Honestly, I don’t really care what other people think, I know that it works when used very moderately for Harrison.  He’s generally so shocked that I’ve raised my voice to him that he snaps out of his bad behavior and a very short time later he’s my buddy again.  Whatever world.  Just Whatever.  I don’t enjoy it at all.

Back to the puking situation – what the heck do we do here?  If he’s using tactics like this now, what is next?  What happens once we solve this one?  Where the heck do we go from here?

Harrison with his tiny frog friend

Harrison with his teenie tiny frog friend

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The 4 Non-Sleepers

The most ridiculous reason my toddler was crying yesterday:  I was wearing a hoodie and he didn’t like it and wanted me to take it off.  2.7 is by far the worst age for Harrison so far.

This house is undergoing a really special piece of hell right now.  Harrison is being possessed each and every night.  What, you ask?  He screams like a maniac the second we leave his room and sometimes he can go to sleep on his own after that like after 5-10 minutes of insane screaming, but sometimes he pukes all over his bed while screaming and then we have to go in and change his bedding (two nights in a row of puking).  Then at 3am, he wakes screaming bloody murder again because he wants daddy to come sleep with him – major separation anxiety.  Clearly, this means he’s being possessed by some kind of demon or something right? There is just no other explanation.

The baby is such a gentle soul.  I just want to squeeze him all the time, but his sleep isn’t great right now either.  He is either going through 4 month sleep regression or teething.  I think it is teething though since he’s been sort of crabby/uncomfortable during the day too all while biting his fists.  When I feel his gums, I don’t feel or see anything…so I don’t know, I had a dream that he had a tooth though.  I tried baby Advil last night to try and see if his discomfort was physical, and he did sleep a lot better compared to the night before when he woke 9 times.

Mom and Dad:
Daddy was very close to a complete and total meltdown at 3am last night after being up for a couple hours with Harrison.  This morning he said to me (at like 6:30am when he left for work): I’m going now, and I’m not coming back!!  Obviously he was kidding, but I am sure he was contemplating 1000 different ways to run away and hide from this family.

My back has been aching so much that I haven’t been sleeping well anyhow, but I find that the more tired I am, the more my body just hurts which is like an endless cycle.  This morning I woke up with a huge zit too, like my first one in ages.  I’m super stressed because I’m having a hard time fitting in all my work when I have kids that aren’t sleeping well, and also I’m still having a hard time adjusting to being back at work full-time.

Things have been better around here…

Prior to this crazy sleep disturbance, I decided to start lessening the chemicals we have in the house – but only if I could find alternative products that worked just as well.  Funny that I started this and then my kids started acting INSANE!  First, I replaced Bennett’s daytime diapers with a more natural brand – from Pampers to Earth’s Best.  I’m still using Pampers Baby Dry at night, but I’m Ok with that because they do work well and I’m not about to change diapers at 2am if I don’t have to.  Then I switched from Pampers wipes to Seventh Generation, which worked out.  Then I tried using organic coconut oil as a moisturizer on my body, as in like stuff you buy in the cooking oil aisle in the grocery store.  I was using baby oil, and while that is probably decent, I wanted to try and get away from petroleum based products.  For me the result is that baby oil and coconut oil moisturize in the same way, goes on oily, moisturizes pretty well – lightly, and by evening I start to feel kind of dry again.  Then I replaced the laundry detergent from Tide Free and Gentle to Seventh Generation, and actually I think they both only work Moderately well so they’re like the same to me.  We still have a lot of chemical type stuff around here, like some of our cleaners, some of my makeup, and whatever.  It’s been an interesting go of it though.  Next up – trying essential oils mainly to see if that can help Harrison sleep.  I know, things are getting all sorts of hippie over here.  Hippie and Desperate and TIRED oh so tired.


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The Reality of it All

Working full time with 2 kids… is really fucking hard.  I don’t really know how else to say it.  It’s just the truth of it.

I’m trying to put a positive spin on everything, but when you are exhausted to the core and overwhelmed, it’s just about impossible.  Overall my thought: things are not going well at all.  Like, At All.  Even if the kids were sleeping better at night (one of them is always up too much), I still don’t think it would be going well.

I told myself that I would get through this until Jan. 1 and then I’d re-evaluate the situation and see what needs to happen.  I’ve been browsing jobs online, but the problem is that there really aren’t any work options here for me if I stay in the same field and I haven’t seen any full time work from home options.  I feel really stuck right now.  But again, I would still want to wait till the end of the year before making any drastic decisions or moves or whatever.  I just want to vent a little (or a lot).

Because I find myself at home more often, I decided to finally bite the bullet and find a new hair salon.  I love the stylist I’ve had for like 10 years but she recently relocated to a new salon and I didn’t like it at all and it was less convenient than before.  I had really huge doubts that I could get a good haircut out here in the middle of nowhere, and I don’t know why I thought that.  It’s obviously a huge blanket statement to say that hair stylists here are not as good as on Newbury Street.  Anyhow, I went to a new salon and got my hair cut and I’d give it a solid B.  She was nice, it was pleasant, the salon was OK  I kind of wish she had stopped cutting to ask how I felt about things as she went, but whatever, she didn’t but it was fine.  The only part about my haircut that I didn’t like is that I wish she hadn’t messed with my bangs, oh well whatever though.  I think I’m just really picky about how I like my bangs to be.  Then they rang me up…. and it was $40.  4-0.  I’ve been paying $80 for my haircuts and that was discounted pricing, like I was still getting a sorority discount from a million years ago.  A solid B haircut for $40 and I was able to make the appointment pretty easily and it was only 5 miles away.  SOLD.  It’s super funny that right now my husband gets a far more expensive haircut on Newbury and I’m the one that has taken a step down to a 4-0 haircut in a mini-mall next to a Market Basket and a Panera… my soccer mom transformation is starting today.  I probably shouldn’t even mention that I bought jeans at Old Navy recently and when I put them on yesterday for the first time after washing them, my immediate reaction was: why are these so high?  Total mom jeans to match my mom haircut.  WHY LIFE?!  Just Why?

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